job hunting

i have not had a job in two years, because the way i left my last one nobody wants me, but i keep looking and keep looking and when i am lucky enough to get an interview, i freeze whenever they ask me anything, its not that i dont know the answer to what they want to know but i just am soooo nervous. i got an interview at walmart......in aub. but i went and 5 minutes before it i got all nervous and called becky and told her i was leaving...... she said no stay you will do fine, so i waited and in those few minutes i decided even if i am nervous, who cares i am just going to act normal and it will go fine, so i did, it took me a minute but when i got over myself i did great, so great that they told me about the drug test and said if i pass then i am hired, i am so glad i listened to becky.

my first try at bacon

i did it exactly as she told me, except one key thing, she said when you think they are done......they are not, just leave them in for a few minutes more, i was planning on doing that, except when the time came i looked at them and thought these are done, but they are soooo done i am not going to listen to my mom, i am just going to take them out, i wish i would have listened to her, they LOOKED done, but they were not. my first try did not go well, but i am ok with it.






well i was thinking about it and you cant be good at something without first being bad at it, so i am proud to say i am bad at making bacon :) i know that i will not be bad at it forever, but for now, i really really suck at making bacon, my mom talked me through it, on the phone but it did help. i did it in the oven,

my mystery baby

my baby is a big ole mystery to me, now jo was born with blue eyes, just like most babies, but also like most babies....they changed.


cole was born with blue eyes, they did get darker, but just darker blue,

austin was born with brown hair, around 3 or 4 months his hair was red and a couple after that....he was blonde


is coles hair going to be blonde in a couple more months????

jo's new bed

was not sure if he would be ready or not, but his crib had to go, it was getting alittle....... unsafe.
i knew better than to keep letting him use it, so it was a big boy bed or a pack n' play, and you know what, my big boy was ready for his big boy bed after all.

now it is different at nap time, he does take his naps in the pack n play, but he does great at night, and it has been a few nights, and each night that goes by he just does better and better.


i was going to wait till he was 2, but now i know i made the right choice.

easter at g-grams

we got up easter morning, it followed a night not worth mentioning....or even remembering at that...except that it was the first night jo was in his big boy bed, he did so well. we ate breakfast then opened our easter baskets, their grampa came to visit for a few minutes then i called my grandmother and she came to get us.



we got to her house about 20 minutes before my sister and her family got there, then when everybody was there we hung out outside and took some pictures...the oldest two boys went egg hunting, then we took it indoors where the boys got their baskets from my grandmother. we had lunch......pork chops, they were good but i really wanted ham....i know they are both pig, but i just wanted ham.

then it was late afternoon when we headed home, jo was so tierd. he had missed his nap.


all in all easter went great, 100% better than last year

cole eating

well he has been eating oatmeal for a little over a week now, and he took it very well, so a few days after that i tried baby food, he loved it, carrots........ he is ready for more i think but i have not given him more yet.

people i love from a 2 z

Austin
Becky
Cole
Dad
Eric
Facebook.....what, that is not a real person?
Gram
Heather
I(thats me)
Joaquin
Keith
Loreda
Mummy
Nay(of coarse i love myself)
Owen
Paul Douglas (number 2)
qcumber
Rusty
Santa
Tim
U(no really you)
Vampires....like Edward
Walt
Xmen, gotta love them
You (again)
Zach

well this weekend really did not go the way i had planned for it to, but i cant really say that it is a bad thing, I had so much that i wanted to do, but trying to fix problems i had with people in my life had to come first. Everybody has there own problems, and yes it is important to talk to people about them, getting them off your chest and all that, but don't drag others down with you. i care about so many people, some that don't give me much thought, it doesnt mean i dont care about you just because i am not the one you turn to when you need somebody. But i have been blowing a lot of people off lately, not because i was to busy for them, but because i just dont want to deal with drama from everybody else when i am trying to deal with my own.

If you are going down the road and you hit one of your usual bumps but it hits you harder than you were ready for and you start to panic, why does this have to happen to me right now? it is not that i cant handle it, it is just that i cant handle it RIGHT NOW is all that is running through your head. you wounder why people are not being more supportive then you just need to stop and think about it, people are helping the only way they know how, some will be there for you in person, they will show up and wait for you to tell them how they can help..... others cant always be there in person, but you can bet they will still do the best they can to make you feel better......then there are the ones that say to you, let me know if you need anything, and though they are being honest and they really would help if you asked, you wouldn't ask for it........ still others will do nothing, they will not lend an ear, they will not lend a hand, even if as a last resort you came to them for help, they would turn you away. but you have to know that there is always a reason behind why they will not help you, it could be your fault, it could be there's, or it could just be that they have problems in there lives that require attention that they can not turn away from. either way in the end you must realize that no matter who is there for you and who is not, you still have to do it on your own.


I try not to look back very often at the things people have done to me, and when i say that i forgive someone i want to act like it never happened, but i will never really forget what you did to me, i know that in your book it is a very small thing that took place, but your actions changed my life more than you could ever know, and all you did was make a simple phone call, i know it was a long time ago, and i want to forgive you for it, but i would not be at the place in my life right now if you would have let me make the choice, but you had to stick your nose in where it did not belong and i was the one who ended up having to pay for it. I have spent the last year or so thinking of a way to really let it go and forgive you, but every time i start to think that maybe you do regret it, you turn around and do something stupid again, i will help you when i can and a appreciate the help when you can, but dont you DARE think that we will ever be as close as if you didnt do that to me. there are few people out there that i would do almost anything for, and yes you are one of them, just because of who you are to me, but i am not helping with this one, i am stepping back for a while, cooling off, until you understand that with the situation i can not be involved without making matters worse. i am sorry things had to happen this way, but i have been caught in the middle of this arguement for way to long and i will gladly be a part of your life, but i am backing off if it even has a chance of that situation coming into our conversations.

friday night at becky's

well i went to beckys house a couple weeks ago, because they wanted me to meet someone....or remeet that is, so i went and we had a great time.

my new camera

well i got a new camera, i had one but it was not working great because whenever you took a picture on it the people would be red, not there eyes........the people themselves would be red.
i love this camera, it is a still shot so you can spin round in circles and take a picture and it will still come out clear...... i have owned 5 cameras and by far this is the best.

was it worth it

nobody can make your mind up for you, you plan things the way you see fit to make your life how you want it to be. The smallest thing can change everything, When i was going down a path i did not like i took a chance and changed it, 1 thing, that is all it took and i know that if i just didnt do that then the past few years of my life would have been completely different, not only my life but everybodys around me, and that 1 thing i thought i had to do led to another thing i had to do and another and another..............
and here i am today, not regreting a moment of it, just unsure if it is how things were going to turn out or if it was me being greedy, did my selfishness ruin who i have become or has it made me stronger?do i have time to fix everything or do i wait and see where people stand?
am i traped?can i still be who i want to be?do i even know who that is anymore? how many more people do i have to hurt before i put other peoples needs before my own?
I dont want to go back to who i was, i may not be on the same page as everybody else right now, but it is not my job to make sure people stay on track, and it is not there job to keep me on mine. I dont want pity and i dont feel shame, all i ask is for you to not judge me for the choices i make, I am sorry you have problems, but we all do.

im sorry

i want you to know that i understand that you thought there was a chance, you didnt do it for me and you didnt do it for yourself i understand. It was big of you to try, i wanted to try i swear i did i just didnt break the ice in time, and people keep telling me things and saying you gotta swear your not going to say it was me that told you, well then shut up k just shut up. if you are going to tell me stuff that is fine go for it but if you are going to tell me bad stuff about someone i am trying to find some level to connect on then dont tell me i cant say anything to them, cause you cant not give them a chance to tell there side of the story, its just not fair to them. just because you dont want anything to do with someone doesnt mean i have to stop trying and part of me is mad ..... at me because i was stupid enough to listen to you............i lost my chance and i dont know what to say except sorry i got in your way and thank you for getting in mine.

do you ever worry what people are going to think about you if you do something...... today i decided that its fun to play games and mess around but at some point you do accually have to grow up, i am not saying that i did that but i used to have to beat around the bush all the time and not accually express how i was feeling, and yes 9 times out of 10 i am still like that but the point is i want to be bigger. cant i try that.

I have a lot of strained relationships(if you can even call them that) AND i dont feel as if i have fully come to terms with how they turned out.
I have this fear of the term "I love you" i dont know where it comes from but for as long as i can remember my heart tugs whenever i say it. like it emotionally hurts me to say it. and it emotionally hurts others when i dont...... again its like i cant win.

People come and go and it will always be like that, but then there are people who come and go and come back again, I see myself as one of those people, i may not be around for ever but you can almost know that i will be back. I have a lot of bad feelings for people in my life but i dont wish anything bad for anyone. I wish that things were different with most everyone that i have ever had problems with, so many of them are great people under the surface and i saw my chances and trust me i had many of them and not once did i jump at them,


getting to know the true side of people...the one they hide until they get to know you.....it will tell you if that love you knew you would always feel....was just you lieing to your heart
it will tell you that the person you hated more than anything was the one you would end up with in rocking chairs in your 80's
that there is no difference between him leaving you when you were young or her leaving you just before you grew up,
that one person you can tell anything to......doesnt really exist
and never hold your breath..... its not coming




dont hate me, there is no reason to, we may have different opinions about things but your not going to change mine. people are who they choose to be.

so i thought i was begining to figure things out in this crazy world i am now living in.........thats right NOW living in.... things were different before, were they better....dont know yet but they were a whole lot different. up was up and down was down, there was no code i had to work my way through. now i just dont know what to think about a years ago i had some bad friends and though most of the people i lost all conections with for dare i say months..... things were really looking up for me..... i am back on good terms with most everybody that i have had problems with in the past.....but was it worth it???? i still dont know the answer to that question, i have not always been there for people when they needed me, but i am soooo close to not haveing one of the most important friendships that i have ever had... and its my pride, thats all it is. i am so exausted from trying to make people happy when is it my turn?

as reconection month nears its end i cant help but think is that the reason i am where i am? there are to many problems that need fixing and by trying to fix them all i did was make other things bigger. there are plenty of relationships i have that i would do most anything not to lose, but you can only push me so far before i am going to stand up for myself, and if i lose you in the process then that is 100% your choice.

the way i look at things may be different then the way you look at things but what can you do about it i mean really you see the way you act to me as you dont know me, you are going to pretend you want to get to know me for the sake of those that you are trying to impress but deep down you think i am conniving and vindictive, well you know what i feel the same way about you. so honestly do you think i am a fool, i understand where you are coming from i really do, you think i am trying to steal your thunder, well trust me you got nothing i need. i tried to make you like me the only way i knew how, i am shy at first but if you can get past that then we might accually have something some day. i am not the type of person you would normal spend time with..........

what i dont understand is how on earth you of all people could pretend that you are better than me, i may not be perfect on any level but nobody is and dont think for a second that you are better than me.

my babies

jo got sick

i was having some trust issues in the past couple months with somebody because i let jo go over to there place for a few hours and he came back with a bad rash, but after serious thought and a lot of nagging from the other party i gave in and let him go over for the night, i know the rash thing was probably an accident, and if i was babysitting someone and they had a stinkless dirty diaper that was not making them squirmy..... i might not know they needed it changed right off and the small chance of them developing a rash would not be 100% my fault, and i would hate to get punished into never seeing them again because of it, so anyway i let him go over there for the night, i finally realized i need to not be my mom and try to not let myself get so untrusting with sooooo many people. he went over, as far as i knew things were going great, i went and got him the next evening and he had a bad cough, i tried to blow it off thinking it will probably be fine, but even after a couple hours it wasnt and he sounded much like a seal.... im not even kidding. i brought cole to his grandparents house while me and jo went to the emergency room, he had gotten croup, they said it is very common and it will go away in a few days, but it still hurt my heart that the very next time i let him go over there he gets sick, that was a couple days ago and he is still sick, but it doesnt sound croupy anymore as much as it just sounds like a cold to me, but they said it may turn into a cold before he gets better, just to give him tylenol to keep the fever down and be patient, it could take 5 or 6 days before he even starts to feel better.
i started to worry because he went to a birhtday party and the next day the kids at the party were sick, really sick im talking er sick, one of them had to spend the night in the hospital, it was bad, and now all i can do is cross my fingers that jo doesnt get what they have. and that cole just makes it through all of it without getting sick at all.

the car

i think it was june of last year that i got my first car, $200.oo its not a bad first car it was doing well for having a driver like me in it, and not to mention stephen rode it just as hard as i could. well since i got it it needed to be jumped once or twice a week atleast, depending on how hard we beat on it at the time, but until the begining of december i hadnt put more than $10 into repairs and for a car as old as it was and as damaged as it was that is accually saying something. but in december it did one of its usual breakdowns........ or so i thought this time it was worse, my tor had let me down, and it didnt come at a great time for me either, but i got rides to where i needed to be and sometimes rides to unneeded places as well, but enough was enough and it just isnt fair for everybody for me to expect them to be there for me, but they were, i had people help me, the car didnt get fixed right away, when it did start getting fixed it seemed like everytime it did another problem came up, but i had been driving around with manual steering since i got the thing and as long as the car was running i could tollerate the steering, i accually liked it a little, cause nobody really wanted to borrow it while it was like that, and honestly i dont care if you want to borrow it, i help when i can.
i was not the one who payed for the first set of repairs, and boy that really makes me sound cheap. i did pay for the next set of them, i had gone almost 2 months with driving other peoples cars or getting rides and i just wanted my baby back. i got it back and in no time at all there were more problems, i am not even kidding, i think it happened the first day i tried to drive it after getting it back. and i was not the one who payed to fix that problem either, wow i really am cheap, people like to help me, and i am not saying i dont enjoy the help i am just saying that i wish i was above needing it all the time.
well i have my car and needless to say i am not being any more careful with it, to many more repairs and its over, i dont think it will be worth it. after it was fixed and working this time i had it five days and went over 400 miles in that timeframe. i almost ran out of gas last night, and knowing this might happen i still went an extra 40 miles without putting a penny into it. i get over 30 miles to the gallon, with the amount of driving i do i gotta say that is a really good thing.

feb. 1 2010

i spent the night at my sissys, last night after a long day yesterday, at 10:30 last night i got there, it was great that she wanted me to come over because i did not have either of the boys and i would have gotten a little depressed if i was alone, it has been a long time since i didnt have any kids with me, we got there and we played beckys new playstation 3 until 1:30 we finally went to bed, i woke up at 8 and went home, i may or may not have taken a short nap when i got home(wink wink) at nine i went ice fishing......yeah right, as if what i did was ice fishing, but whatever, thats what they call it, ice and fish but no.
then at 1 donna came over and hung out for a little while.

feb. is reconection month

as everybody who is me knows feb. is reconection month, the time where any friendship or anything gets somehow strained in any way.... this month is when you get over yourself and fix it.
i started reconection month by fixing my friendship with donna, and so far so good, we talk and hung out, it was nice i hope everything stays on this path, and this is just the begining of it, not just destoryed relationships, even ones you just let slip away because you didntg have the time to keep them strong, i dont care if you were friends for a day or a lifetime, if you let it slip, now is the time to fix it, you have till the end of feb. and you have absolutely no excuses.

today jo was playing IN the toybox

so yesterday i get a phone call about nine o'clock in the morning, it is the cable guy, he is just making sure i am still getting it, i told him yes and he said alright i will be there in about 10 minutes. i had all three boys, and he came at the perfect time, they were all just waking up so i put them in the highchairs and gave them breakfast, by being in the highchairs they did not get in his way at all, and that made me glad.

so i have cable and internet, jo has to get used to it a little bit, he wants to pull wires and push buttons but it wont be long before he understands that he cant do that.and austin could not be more in love with himself, anything he could possibly see himself in he practicly makes out with his reflection, its cute, but i hope jo doesnt pick that up.

stupid me being so excited about cable and internet did not get to bed until after 4 this morning, i should have just stayed up if i was going to for that long. i was sure tired when cole woke me up at 8, but we got back to sleep just in time for austin to get here, becky tried to put austin back to bedc but after 20 minutes of him crying i knew he was not ready to go back to sleep already so i let him get up, changed his pants and just let him go play, i knew that was all he really wanted. i gave the boys lunch at noon, then sent them to bed, i found myself with three napping boys and was soooo excited, i even did the dishes, then cole woke up for a bottle, a few minutes later they were all up, my gram visited twice today because of a dr. misunderstanding, becky and keith came to get austin together cause she didnt end up working after all and they both went home without picking him up, she thought i was kicking her out at 4, but i was not trying to be rude, i made plans and she cant expect me to change my plans because she finally has time for me. she never changes hers for me.

COLE BAILEY

december 20, 2009

7:09 am

6 pounds

19 1/2 inches