Saturday, March 27, 2010
well this weekend really did not go the way i had planned for it to, but i cant really say that it is a bad thing, I had so much that i wanted to do, but trying to fix problems i had with people in my life had to come first. Everybody has there own problems, and yes it is important to talk to people about them, getting them off your chest and all that, but don't drag others down with you. i care about so many people, some that don't give me much thought, it doesnt mean i dont care about you just because i am not the one you turn to when you need somebody. But i have been blowing a lot of people off lately, not because i was to busy for them, but because i just dont want to deal with drama from everybody else when i am trying to deal with my own.
If you are going down the road and you hit one of your usual bumps but it hits you harder than you were ready for and you start to panic, why does this have to happen to me right now? it is not that i cant handle it, it is just that i cant handle it RIGHT NOW is all that is running through your head. you wounder why people are not being more supportive then you just need to stop and think about it, people are helping the only way they know how, some will be there for you in person, they will show up and wait for you to tell them how they can help..... others cant always be there in person, but you can bet they will still do the best they can to make you feel better......then there are the ones that say to you, let me know if you need anything, and though they are being honest and they really would help if you asked, you wouldn't ask for it........ still others will do nothing, they will not lend an ear, they will not lend a hand, even if as a last resort you came to them for help, they would turn you away. but you have to know that there is always a reason behind why they will not help you, it could be your fault, it could be there's, or it could just be that they have problems in there lives that require attention that they can not turn away from. either way in the end you must realize that no matter who is there for you and who is not, you still have to do it on your own.
I try not to look back very often at the things people have done to me, and when i say that i forgive someone i want to act like it never happened, but i will never really forget what you did to me, i know that in your book it is a very small thing that took place, but your actions changed my life more than you could ever know, and all you did was make a simple phone call, i know it was a long time ago, and i want to forgive you for it, but i would not be at the place in my life right now if you would have let me make the choice, but you had to stick your nose in where it did not belong and i was the one who ended up having to pay for it. I have spent the last year or so thinking of a way to really let it go and forgive you, but every time i start to think that maybe you do regret it, you turn around and do something stupid again, i will help you when i can and a appreciate the help when you can, but dont you DARE think that we will ever be as close as if you didnt do that to me. there are few people out there that i would do almost anything for, and yes you are one of them, just because of who you are to me, but i am not helping with this one, i am stepping back for a while, cooling off, until you understand that with the situation i can not be involved without making matters worse. i am sorry things had to happen this way, but i have been caught in the middle of this arguement for way to long and i will gladly be a part of your life, but i am backing off if it even has a chance of that situation coming into our conversations.