desperate need of a couch

i dont know what to do, my couch got ruined, as everybody already knows, but i just cant seem to find one to replace it. and i still need atleast one more dresser, maybe two. i realized today when i was getting ready to eat lunch (spagettios) and i realized that i dont have a can opener, how sad, i didnt even think about that when i went appt. shopping

ahhhhhhhh

i am getting so tierd of not making myself tell people how i really feel about things, but everytime i do someone always gets hurt, i dont feel like i am being used, i just feel like people dont tell me things they want me to do, i know those are kinda the same thing, but they are not, why do you think i am going to say no???? you think i am that mean, i understand that i cant always say yes to you, but for the most part i am going to, dont lie to me, or work your way around the subject.
and all the drama of being afraid that i am going to hurt peoples feelings makes me just end up hurting other peoples feelings, you know what i mean, when i finally work up the guts to do or say something, the people either dont take it well, or they take it great and someone else does not take it well, that is where i wish i was like becky, i wish i could just do what i wanted to do, but i am to.... me to be able to do that.

i am here

well i am in, after all the drama i am accually in, the problems started right away though, i should not use the stove unless i absolutley have to they said, because it is a loaner stove, my new one is coming monday. the toilet is still broken, it needs to be replaced, because of thanksgiving moving my stuff over is taking forever, the couch got ruined...... it seemed like it would just keep going down, but it accually didnt

becky came over a few times when i was feeling a little overwhelmed, and that really helped, she always makes thing look nice, and i really enjoy the company. things may sometimes feel stressful, but i am just so glad to be here, and i know that everything that is going wrong.......it will not be to long before they are fine.

then the car

ok so the car is like barley haning on right now, and anytime i want to go anywhere stephen says to me something like do you really want to put the car through that. i know he says it so i dont go places like my sisters because he is afraid i will ask him to go with me. but today he calls me up and says to me i need to use the car to take my brother up to my moms, i said do you really want to put the car through that? he said it can handle it. i said do you have gas for it, he said no you can put some in cant you? i said no i have no money, i dont even have enough for rent, i dont know what i am going to do. he says well $5 is not going to hurt anything, just let me use the car, i said no, and he said remember that, and then he hung up. man i am sooo mad at him, he just keeps getting more and more childish.

simple saturday

i went to bed last night, very angry at facebook, yes i know are you kidding, mad at facebook, but i was, because that is my comunication center, i have no phone and i dont want to keep asking loreda to use hers. it is hard to figure out what is going on when your comunication center is not working, yes becky i got that term from you. anyway not only could i not talk to people last night, but i could not talk to becky, so i did not know what time oz was coming over this morning. well i went to bed at 11 something, later than i should, but sooner than i planned. but becky comes in just before 8 and drops him off. jo was still asleep because of all the crazy stuff that went on last night, he was all excited, but because he went to bed almost 2 hours later than normal, he was asleep, and because oz is a baby and does not understand not to blurt out random noises, jo woke up, so he did not sleep the normal amount of hours, so he was cranky as the moring went on, so he took his nap a little before noonish and is still asleep right now, so when he wakes up he is going to be crazy hungry, because he has not had lunch yet. oz just fell asleep a few min ago, he did not have a nap this morning so he was a little bit more tierd than say a normal day. stephen showed up just after 8 this morning, i was surprised, i thought wow you showed up when you said you were going to, maybe this means today will go fine, and today has gone fine, but no thanks to him. yes he did show up a t 8 something, but he did not help me......at all and that is fine, i dont need the help, it is just nice to have. we had pancakes for breakfast, they were good, mine had chocolate ships in them so that was good. now it is 1 something, i am getting a few minutes to relax because they are napping, becky will be here in about 3 hours, then we will see where things go from there.

the move is getting close

well we called cmp today, and they will hook up the electric on monday, and that is good because that means that ball is rolling, i mean we cant move until it is turned on, so i am glad that is sorta out of the way. now we are waiting on that stove...........and everything is allset, other than that, so as soon as that gets there, i need to sign the papers, pay my rent, and move in. i am very excited about it. but come on, i have been being led on for over a month now, i wish at this point that it would just happen already.

well, we met

dd

well i was preparing myself to meet them.....or him.....or them.....oh i dont know, well anyway, i was preparing myself, and then tonight i got a phone call and i was not sure who it was.........at first, then i was oh my word, i dont know so i go to dd with jo and we get there at 5:30ish, it was a little awkward at first......ok it was alittle awkward the whole time, but it was like after 8 when we finally left. i did not try to make it weird for him, but my shyness does that to people, a few more meetings and i think everything will be fine. i was invited over for thanksgiving, and even though i really am not the thanksgiving type, i think i will go, it will help us get to know each other better, and it will be good for jo. we will see where this leads, i think it may just be a good thing.

the flu

so i got my h1n1 flu shot a while back, because of the mini outbreak, now i am not just immune to that, but a lot of stuff, even these small colds going around, i am just watching everybody aroound me get sick, while i just sit here...feeling fine. i feel bad for them, but i am very glad that i am not getting it

why is it taking so long

i got a phone call on saturday, from the lady at the park. that i sould be in by the weekend,the next one of coarse. well i waited and it is thursday night, and still no phone call, she said that she would call me a couple days before i can move, well then why has she not called yet???? i am trying to be patient but come on. i also dont have everything i need yet, i have a lot, enough to get by for now, but i do need a little bit more.

staying at grams

we were at loredas house, and jo had finnally given in and fallen asleep...............and loreda comes home, i said right when they walked in shhhhhhhhh joaquin is asleep. and of course not so much they talk like i never even let them know..............then maggie starts crying..........that is right a six year old. and all the commotion..........jo wakes up....great....we decide it is best to leave, i understand you are getting tierd of me being there, but come on i am leaving in less than a week, the least you could do would be to let jo sleep without the attitude, it has just been so out of hand lately...i have been wasteing gas that i dont have these past few days to try to keep myself out of there......i am running out of ideas though.i know everything will be fine next week...but it is hard to wait.

so we decide to stay the night at my grams house, she said yes, so we packed up, got in the car, and left....... as if anything will be any different when we get back, but i can hope it will be, and i can look at it like, hey 1 day closser.

jo's halloween changes

october 31, 2008october 31, 2009

i knew he was a big boy who grew a lot this past year, but looking at these 2 pictures....you wouldn't believe they are the same little man.

things are looking better

well yesterday did not go very well, and early this morning was not shapping up to be much better, but i guess i was wrong about today not going well, because it did, we went to walmart to pick something up for my grandmother, and the halloween stuff was soooooooooo cheaply priced. i got some pj's for jo, baby's costume for next year, a couple trick or treat buckets, a shirt for me, and a tote to store it all in this year. and the tote was halloween orange, adorrable.

so i drop jo off with stephen, so i can finish my busy day at a semi faster speed, i go to dhs, and wait in the waiting room for over an hour, but once i get in i was only in there for not even 5 minutes. i got a tracfone.......but dont call me because it is just for emergencies. but just to let whoever wants to know....the number is 595-1733 call if it is REALLY important.

i had to get oil for the car...............that threw me back a little, not much, but a little. i have no money, so it is hard to need stuff like that, i had to get the halloween stuff because all together i did not even spend $5 on it.

i got back to loredas, and find out that i am not watching austin there, so i had to go to my gram's house, not a problem because i would have probably gone up there anyway, but it was just a surprise for me. no prob. i guess i am not getting him tomorrow, or for the rest of the week, i must have really hurt beckys feelings last night, i feel terrible....i wish i hadn't have said anything.

before i leave for my grams house, loreda said someone from the adult ed office called, so i called them back, and........(wait for it)...................i passed my final test...........490..................yay.............i have it i have it i have it.i will have it in the mail by monday, so not only am i moving next week...or so, but i got my ged, and now, just yay.

semi busy

well jo wakes me up around 7 this morning, about an hour early, but how is he supossed to know about the time change a couple nights ago. i hope that he does get back into routine soon though. i give him breakfast, but feel so.....strange, so after breakfast he plays in the playpen and i go lay down for a few minutes.but i get a phone call and have to take it, it is the lady from alpine park, she is ready for me to send her the papers, so i get those ready, i will be sending them out in the morning. i get jo ready and we go over to the post office to get a money order for insurance. get that, pay that, and head up to west paris to get stephen. we then go back to loredas, but i feel some tension when she got upset with jo not even 2 minutes after we get back, and i really feel it when she got annoyed when i asked if jo could take his afternoon nap in her bedroom..........like he always does. so becky brings austin over, she leaves to vote, i take jo and ozzy to the dr. with me to get my shot.........i find out that i passed my glucose test, i AM anemic, and i have an infection and have to go to rite aid to pick up medicine tomorrow.but the low iron thing explanes the way i have been feeling lately.....i am constantly exausted. anyway we then go up to my grams house and jo and ozzy try this new baby snack gram picked up, they LOVE it. keith picked them austin up at 5ish and we left at about 6:30. me and stephen had a little argument...not any different than normal. jo goes to bed, stephen goes up to his dads, i am ok with it because i am allset with him being up back, they are soooo nasty, i am so done with it. i talk to becky, and even though i am wathing austin double the amount of time, by the way i have no problem with it, i love him, jo loves him nd we have a good time. but i am not getting paid anymore, i understand keith wants to hunt and he does not really get it in because he is one of those few people who accually work for a living, becky is lucky she found one of those guys, i want one. but anyway i am not getting paid more, it is fine because we are related, and it helps me deal with it and understand where they come from. if we were not related, i honestly dont know what i would say, i dont want to hurt her feelings, and i brought it up but backed down, to not cause any drama. i dont want to do anything to bring us any more apart than we are, for fear of the new family moving in on where i have been in her life. to many people are telling me what i should and should not do, why cant you leave me alone and let me decide.....it might be because sometimes i dont even know what i want.

nov. 1 2009

first jo wakes up at about 3ish and does not go back to sleep for a while, but he has 2 teeth trying to come through at once. but he gets back to sleep, we get up at around 9ish. breakfast....jo and stephen head to west paris while me and gram go post halloween shopping. we get back around 4ish....did not get much, but got a couple good deals.

a couple hours later we decide to head to aub. and jo wanted to play on the machines...so we let him, he had a good time.

my little cowboy

i must say...................he is the cutest cowboy i have ever seen

halloween

we went "trick or treating" tonight.

first we went up to stephens dads, then to my grams...she took us to ronnie and michelle's house

then when we got back to her house she gave jo and oz both a bag of books and toys for halloween because she knew we did not want them to have chocolate.

then we went to cheryls and she gave jo a cute tigger stuffy oh it was soooo soft.

then.............................after we got back to rere's..........................we were watching monk when..............the house got egg'd and apparently one got the car as well.

turns out margs house got egg'd as well

rere called the cops and everything, boy it is going to be a mess to clean in the morning

it could just be me

i am a little upset...i feel like my family is being harassed......i dont even feel comftorble saying by who....for fear that they could be reading this. i honestly do not know what to do, i got some advice about a restraining order, but someone else told me that i do not have good enough reason...that i will not be able to get one. i am seriously worried though. i just do not know what to do.....i am not just worried for me, i am worried for jo as well.and that is a serious thing. i just want these couple people out of my life......i need some help...some advice......some guidence.


i shoould not let things like this bother me, but i know the people.....and trust me...they are not the people that you want to be on there bad side......and right now i am extremely far onto that "bad" side.it is not that i even am doing anything wrong, i am just not doing things there way......ask any normal person, there way is not the right way. you know what dont give me reason to not trust you... and maybe if you earn mine i will trust you.

my testing

i got a phone call today.....it was the ged people....my scores came back.......640...and no i am not kidding. one more score is still out...if i pass this one...i got it.

moving.....almost here

am i ready?????
i say i am ready......
but am i????




well kinda....it seems like the day just is not coming fast enough....i mean will it ever get here?

but at the same time......i am not really ready, i dont even have a microwave or toaster.....and anybody who knows me....knows just how important those are. well we found out tonight that we are getting a dresser...and it is not even going to cost anything to us, since me and jo both need one....jo is getting it and i am just going to have to wait till we find another one....got to remind jo to thank the great grandparents for it...without it his clothes would have to be in a laundry basket. this is a good thing.a lot of people are doing what they can to help.becky also has a couple things she is sharing...my gram keeps finding things here and there to help. a few other people also.

but still..................i need a dresser.....and baby is going to need one as well. i dont have a trash can yet....i think those are only like $10.00 at walmart though. lets see...i hope to find a couple corner stands for the living room, but that is not really that important....and nightstands to, but those can also wait.

i think everything will fall into place in time. the wait is totally driving me crazy though.

jo's first haircut

so we did it........or should i say rere did it, jo's hair got cut for the first time today, he did so well, he sat still like a good little boy he did better than me, i was a little nervous that he would move right at the wrong time, but he didn't and i have to say, for a first haircut not bad at all.

more on moving

last night i decided that when i get up in the morning........this is it..........no more putting it off until tomorrow. i am cleaning out that bedroom, so jo wakes me up at 8:00, we go out into the kitchen and eat breakfast, then i put him in the playpen, and asked him not to cry, just be a good boy and play with your toys, so that i can clean out the bedroom,he was.............thats right he was the best boy ever, and everything i am not going to need in the next couple weeks is now officially packed, yay no for real, yay.
i have been putting that room off for soooo long now, but now it is clean, it is going to be no problemmoving, i am 98% packed..............because there is always that little bit i am going to need till i move, so i could not pack that stuff.


so then i go to my grams and talk to her, and if the weather permits, monday i am going back up there, and going through whats up there......................oh, everything feels like it is falling into place, i am so glad.

3 wheeling

jo's pumpkin decided that he wanted to go 3 wheeling today, so we got some pics

it is not normal

at night lately i am super excited, so i cant sleep.....excited about getting a place to live, anyway i lay there for hours...just thinking about it. i try and try to get to sleep but just cant. so obviously i need to sleep, so by the middle of the next day i am exausted, i am just worn out. i take a small nap around dinner time but by the time night comes again.....i get all worked up again, i can not keep going like this for 2-3 more weeks, but i am just so excited.

seeds

well pumpkins are retardedly priced, i think so anyway.

next year we are not spending the money on them, there is no reason to.we are planting our own now i know that is a lot of seeds, but the article said to plant at least

4 times the amount of seeds you want of pumpkins, and i am just keeping my odds good, and that way jo ....and ozzy if he wants to, that is if his mommy wants him to......so they can pick out there own.

jo and ash

they have so much fun together, it is strange i think, sometimes jo gets to rough but ash always comes back for more. as excited as i am to move, i really think it will be sad for them.

jo gets excited sometimes and throws things at the cat and gets in trouble for it, but for the most part he is really good with him.

jo's pumpkin 2009, part 1

he does not fully understand the concept i guess, he pretty much tought it was just a big orange ball.

pictures will be posted shortly, on after it was carved.

but i have to say, rere's cat liked the pumpkin more than jo did,

i am a diaper changing expert

last night...in the middle of the night, i was getting ready for bed, jo was already in bed.
i walk into the bedroom......and i smell it............the yuckiest smelling diaper....ever.
i get everything ready, slowly pick him up, change him, and slowly put him back to bed, all without even waking him up.........i think the term for that would be diaper changing expert, dont you agree?

super funny

jo was in the kitchen and he had his shoe, loreda told him "go take care of your shoe".......this is where he put it........in the fridge.

rere's new cat

i guess she went with ashford(gay)but i guess i have no choice but to get used to it, he is adorable, he likes it when people go into the bathroom with him, he does not like to go by himself....i know strange but in a cute way.

it is hard not to fall in love right away though. i am really going to miss him when i leave.

back from test 4 out of 5

went to take my math test today, and i was about 10 min. early...but thankfully i was the only one testing today so i got right in. i was done in no time flat, and now i only have 1 more test before i am all done, i am very excited about it.

another day at aunt becky's

well we went up to aunt becky's to get some pics, and we got a few.....but then we played

inside, oh it was sooo cute ozzy and jo were wrestling...becky says ozzy won, but i think whoever won...it was very close. but anyway anyone who watches them knows they are going to grow up being best friends, i love that about them.

on days that are going rough for me, i am glad i have jo there, even if he does not know it....he always knows just how to cheer me up when i am hitting bottom. i love him so much.

will the ending ever change?

tonight i was feeling funny.....funny enough that i needed to lay down to make sure that everything was alright. i told stephen that something may or may not be right....so he was going to watch jo in the livingroom while i rest for a little while. yeah so much for that, he opened the door...just to chat, jo came running in to lay with me..i guess that is fine....or not...he bit my stomach oh man it hurt really bad, not hospital bad but bad.stephen said i am soo sorry i should not have let him in here, we will go in the living room now so you can rest.....good right???not so much, it was not even 5 minutes later that is right, he is back in there...ok this is already getting old.
he wants to know if he can take jo to his dads house for a couple hours....i guess to give me a break, i said you are supossed to be giving me a break anyway, by being in the living room with him....so no......oh please renee it will only be for a couple hours......no.it is after 7...why on earth do i want him going up there for a couple hours this late.....and when i say no i mean it, i told him he could go up some other time, but jo is not going anywhere tonight.

stephen said then i hate you.................i said you hate me and he said yes i do.....and he slams the door.i lay there for a min. thinking...i know where this is going, i get up, put all his clothes in a basket and put them outside. he said what did you do that for????i said well i see no reason to hang onto them for you if you just are going to hate me anyway.

well....i was going to let it go....if he atleast said he was sorry,i could not even get that out of him, instead he just acted like a child. he stayed and tried to cool down for a little while, jo ran across the room and tripped over a toy and laned his chin right on stephens knee.....bit his tounge in two spots......he is ok now but he was really upset for a little while.

stephen helps me put jo to bed then asks me if he can bring his clothes back in, i said not, so when he left i shut the outside light off.i could hear him saying something so i went outside to se what it was, he told me to unlock the car....i said no, why do you want it unlocked, he said he wanted to put his clothes in it. i said ummm no it is not your car why would you put your clothes in it, he then wanted to know where he was supposed to put them, so i told him to put them whereever he was going to sleep tonight. he said welll then atleast bring me to my dads, i was thinking, as if i am going to do you any favors after you tell me that you hate me, ao after i told him no, boy he got mad and told me that i never do anything for him, and that i only care about myself.ok no i do not only care about myself but you are not giving me much reason right now to care about you.

he told me to get lost, he did not need me, and said all these things and called me all these names that i dont feel comftorble saying, then he said either call me when you are sorry...or when the baby is born, other that that F*** off

christmas is coming

well it is october....as i am sure you are well aware of, but i am moving.....maybe to lewiston soon. i just dont want to forget anyone in my christmas list.
i hope nobody spills the beans to anybody if they do know what i am getting.
i am almost done shopping for weeny hehe, but not quite.
today i got austin his big gift....i hope he likes it, and no becky i am not telling you what it is so dont even ask.
i was really bummed though, because with the whole secret santa thing we finally knew what keith would like, ......becky saw something ans it was only $5.00 over the limit, but we went to get it today..........and it was gone. great.

i picked out what i am getting walter, i ran it by my mom and she says he will love it,
i picked out what i want to get my mom....and see no reason to run that by anybody tehehe
i bought cheryl her gifts today, so she is done, but that is it for them, she was the easy one.
i have started getting the stuff for my g. as her secret santa, but my mind is blocked there as well.

there are a few people i need to get gifts but just do not know what.
rere
marg. & bill
rus.
stephen
the bedard g-grandparents
................and more

then jo has not gotten anybody gifts yet,
well that is not true we are putting picture movies in all our cards this year and those will be from him, but what about gifts, he knows what he is getting his aunt becky.......but that is it.



i have so many gifts to get............but i am moving and dont even own silverware, pots and pans, a microwave, a toaster...............and so on and so forth, the list goes on and on, i own......plates and a bed.
oh yeah and i own a desk.
my new appt. is going to look pathetic. jo owns more than i do.

busy sat. but the sad part....

today went much different then planned, but not really worse, just different.
the plan was to get someone to watch jo for me so i could pack up the stuff in the bedroom that i can live without for a little while, and work on some essays i have quite a bit of them to do before thurseday.

anyway, because stephen stayed at his dads last night(mostly my fault) but because he stayed there my plans all changed.i went to get him this morning then i thought it might be nice to go up to the cemetary before winter sets in, but we get half way through bryant pond and i realize that we have like no gas...at all, i just knew we were going to run out, so we decide to head back to west paris....maybe i will go up next weekend. well anyway we did not run out of gas, we made it to the station...yay.

we run to save a lot to get some root beer for rere and i decide to take jo down to see aunt becky,well it was sorta busy, i knew it would be, seing as how it was the middle of the day, but we got a donut anyway.

we go to reres to drop it off and change his diaper, we make lunch and head over to stephens mom to get jo's sippy cup that he left there last time we went.but i thoguht since we were almost to aub. anyway we might as well go into it more, we went to the mall and they had the sketching booth there, but we could not get it done because it would only accept change and i did not have enough change for it, i found something else to send down to my mom for christmas, i hope it does not make her miss maine to much, but i know she will totally love it anyway.

we eat supper at papa ginos...or johns oh i dont remember, jo totally loved it, they have mirrors in the booths, so he was watching himself eat and getting all excited about it. it was yummy i even got the bubble part of it, my fav. part.

aub. burger king is hireing so we applied there, cross your fingers. with the chance of me and jo living in lewiston in a couple weeks i thought that it would not be to far away, and atleast worth a shot. i am not to worried about living there, i think my schooling will be done by the end of next week, and soon my dr. appt will only be every other week. so even though it is going slow....things are begining to look up i think.

welllast for the day, i did get a little bit of packing in for the day,......i tote, but if it helps the next tote is almost full, and i cant do anymore tonight because jo is asleep. well maybe i will be able to find a baby sitter for tomorrow and then i can have the room to myself and i can....pack the day away.

didnt know fish was like turkey

so the other night i decided to let jo try some fish sticks, the dr says fish once a week is fine for someone his age, so i thought, hey why not. anyway he ate like 5 fish sticks and just could not keep his eyes open. it was sooooo cute. needless to say he woke up a couple hours later ready for a filling meal.

still contemplating the j's

as time is runnong out.....as we grow more and more near the due date, and also the fact that i know i am most likely going to be about a month early, i still have not picked out a name.

i went into ocean state job lot yesterday and all books were 50% off, really every single book, anyway i found a baby book and it was only $4.00, thats right with the 50% off thing i only paid $2.00. 30,000 baby names, man oh man i was super excited about it. i know i am not to sure about the j's still but i was looking at them and job, not like oh hey i got a new job the other day, but like job from the Bible.
now job means "afflicted"now do you know what afflicted means???
afflicted-a condition of pain,suffering,or distress.
now who would, with knowing that information, still name there kid that.
but before knowing that information,you are going to love this, not even being mean, just being cute. i was thinking about the name
job(like from the Bible) job hunter dehetre.
hahahahahahahaha get it like job hunter, how funny am i?????


anyway then i thought i went j for james, j for joaquin, but joaquin sounds like w so i was thinking that i could stay semi connected and go j, j that sounds like w, then w.......any comments on that?


i was really putting some thought to wade......what do you think about wade?
......it means"a ford".....i know but still
how about wayne.....or will some people think i am just doing it because of rusty???
then if i say i want w then my mom will be hurt if i dont do walt.... i am just so torn between everything, i really need some help.


oh how bout Wiley???
then i could say, boy your a wiley one



oh yeah maybe i sould think about the torture he would get in the years to come

picking baby names...not as easy as it looks

i decided a few years ago that i wanted all my kids names to start with the letter J, i dont know exactly why i just wanted to i guess. and so far i have
james lynn bouthillette
joaquin alexander bouthillette
but lately all i can thin about it is j just might not work ,and i dont know why i am feeling this way, i always thought my idea was so cute but i am convinced that i dont want a j for him.
and my mom keeps calling me with all these "southern" names.....not to be rude and all but um no, just because j0 had a semi origional name does not mean that i want all of them to,
i had some names i was looking at if i did pick j though
jeremy
jason
jacob
jack

but i really doubt i will do any of those because i dont think that i want it to be j....well i have some more time to decide i guess.

i was right

well i knda figured that he would come in today like nothing happened at all yesterday and it turns out i was right, boy am i annoyed at this point

getting better

i am upset about all that happened with stephen, but i am not going to let it get to me, i went to my class tonight and took my last pretast, i have taken all of them and passed every single one, i didn't do as well as i hoped with the essay so i am working on that thursday, but other than that i am more than ready to take the rest of the test, boy i am soooooo excited i have a test tomorrow, cross your fingers that i do well i think i will, you have to get atleast i think a 420, but
i got a 710 on the pretest, this one should not be to much of a problem.......yay

growing very thin

i never realized how patient i could be until i had to deal with a nineteen year old....child.
i have been trying to relax after all the stress he causes but just when i happen to calm down and think i bet things will be better now that i am relaxed.......yep thats right i was wrong, someone says something or does something that gets on the other ones nerves and it is all downhill from there, i dont know what to say, for that matter i dont think that i even know what to do.

we were in the pawn shop yesterday and my goodness jo was behaving better than him, every two min. i would say put that down, or no you cant have that, all i can say is that if i learned anything yesterday it is he does not go shopping with me.

oh and you are going to love this one.....so about a month or so ago a buy a car, no joke it was only $200.00 no i am not kidding, but i could only come up with 180.00 so stephen says to me i will help, i got $20.00 you can put in. which is totally fair because in the six months we have been together i have spent wel over $300.00 on things for him, i know how sad... because he is one of those people who says...oh i will pay you back i promise(not the time but i know plenty of people like that...oh i will never learn) anyway tonight he asks me if he can use the car, and if you know the days history he left this morning when i really needed help and did not come back till 2 min. before we left for school, oh yes i would have left without him. anyway, he wants to take this guy i dont know some place i dont know, and the guy has gas money,ummm no first of all you are a jerk for ignoring me all day, and second it is my car and if i dont want some guy i have never met before in my car, with who knows what...then that is my right.......anyway so i told him that and he said well i put twenty in that car so it is just as much mine as it is yours. well if you say so...not. i told him he owes me money so why does that $20.00 mean anything? he said give me twenty right now and i will never ask to use the car again...good one.i said i do not have $20.00 remember you lost my card. he said then that money i put in is going to something i want in the car...i want the radio..and the speakers. as if i mean come on how retarded are you get a life already.now i had to lock the doors because i was afraid he was going to do something stupid and he is going to show up tomorrow like nothing happened like he always does, now that is annoying if you ask me

why

becky has great news, she is now facebook friends with her real dad and his wife and her half sister, that is awesome for her, and i just became friends with the half sister but nobody gets to know about it, because my old bedardedness is old news, i am no longer a bedard so i am not part of any sort of that family, i dont get to have the special bond that becky is growing with the other parents family the drama will not end, becky gets a new sister, and i am just the old sister, and i dont get to have a new sister also because..........well i dont know why, if she really is my half sister then why cant we act like it like becky does.

pumpkin pickin????

well i go to bed at like midnight because all my excitement for the day to come makes it so i cant sleep.but then comes morning......what was suposed to be this great day turns out to be anything but.

i wake up to jo crying at about 5 thirty....way to early, i change him and give him a drink but he just will not calm down.so finally i go out back and get stephen because as you are well aware of, at this point i can not do much lifting, so rere keeps an eye on jo and i go out back and no joke i knocked on that door for well over 10 min. finally randy comes out and says to me you can try to wake him up.

i go in there and bug stephen till he finally rolls out of bed and we come back here, but by the time we get back here stephen thinks i made the whole thing up because jo is just sitting in his bed playing.....i got to say it must be the ty. kicking in or something because he was not like that a few min ago.

anyway jo will just not go back to bed, i know he is still tierd but no he just will not give in so we wheel his pack n play out to the livingroom and turn the tv on, put him in it and stephen dozes on the couch and i lay back in the recliner watching jo dance along with mickey and his friends until aparently i dozed also....

8 comes around and rere says to me i come out in the living room and everyone is asleep, i look over at her and say good he did go back to sleep maybe he will not be cranky later.

becky shows up about a half hour later we eat waffles and jo feeds ozzy some, yes cute cute

anyway we leave to go pumpkin pickin we drive around for over an hour looking for this "ghost" patch, i call it that because after a while i just decided that it did not even really exist after all

how annoying anyway we go to aub. yay....right...sure why not except i have no money it was not fun for me i was hot jo was hungry i think we just picked a bad day thats all.

anywho that is fine, but then i go to the dr.s and my urine has white blood cells in it so then i had to go to the hospital we think everything is fine but they have tests out looking. becky insists i come over and wrap presants, i go over and a few min later her "buddies" gome over and she says let me walk you to your car...how obvious can you be becky, just ask me to leave i will like i want to be there anyway.... not when they are there.what a total waste of gas a wasted trip to aub a wasted trip to norway, i put 20 in it yesterday and those are the places i went and it is already below 1/2 man that was my school gas money what the heck.

home from school

well, i am home, and even though it was later atnight than i would have prefered, i am super proud of myself, so get this you need atleast a 420 to pass, get this ..............i got a 710 that is right i got 1 thats right one question wrong i am convinced that i will be done in no time flat.


then there is the whole job thing, i am looking everywhere and even though it seems like so many different places are hiring i just can not seem to get a job

i am so stressed about it to because you dont know how bad i need one. i can not afford to do all these fun things with jo that i want and he deserves i just dont know what to do, i hope that when this schooling thing is out of the way that it will be that much easier to find a job..........man why does it have to be this hard??

what a crazy night

jo is going through so much tonight i feel so bad, he could not eat a good supper tonight because his teeth are hurting, and he was not really up for much because he has a cold, and to make things worse he is still dealing with the stress of no more bottles, just sippies i just feel so bad for the little man, but even though he did not really eat much super it did not go to waste, as you can see, who would have thought a cat could like green beans huh

the jacket

i have never know of something not living to cause this much stress.it is an awesome jacket i think it is one of the cutest things i have ever seen, but that is not the point the point is that it is something that other than in a couple pictures he will never where and you know why i can honestly say that because i am his mom and i say so, that is right i have that power. sorry not where i was going with that, stephen is convinced that i dont want him to wear it because of who got it for him, and that is anything but the case here, i mean wow stephen how retarded do you think i am. i dont see any sence in keeping it because it is not my style and i know that i will not be the one wearing it but if i dont want him to wear it he is not going to case closed.....well kinda if he is not going to wear it then why cant i get rid of it why does it have to take up what little space i have?

life and all its q"s

what is the centerpiece to a "good" life?
is it a good husband or an excellent wife?
when do you learn what you cant live without
when do you see, or loose all your doubt
when do you love and keep right ahold
when do you know when its time to let go
why does it feel like they dont always care
how do you know who will always be there?
when do you know when to laugh or to cry
why does it feel like you cant even try
when you want to give up and can barely hold on
who will be there to make you feel strong
when everyones gone and you feel kind of cold
will there be someone there? someone to hold

im doing it

i had a rough day today it was a little stressful, but it is ok now because i got past all the nervousness and accually went tonight, i am sooo pround of myself, i took the pretest and they said i did soooo great i am going to take the test tomorrow, updates later

little ozzy and then not really LITTLE ozzy anymore

little ozzy came in jan. and i have many memories of him growing up, i always thought to myself last time i saw him he couldn't do that. i know i see him all the time but he is always so different each one. he was this cute little newborn the first time i saw him and then after that each time it is like becky stop letting him grow up so fast, and then i think of myself jo is already a year old.......how did that happen??? and if he is REALLY a year old then that must mean that oz is already 8 months. the days dont seem to go by fast untill you look back and realize how on earth did all that happen so long ago?

stephen and jo

the other parent?

how hard is it to raise a baby without

the other parent, not to raise a baby

by yourself, i mean i have help but not

the other parent. i have not had contact

with him in i dont even know, 3 or 4 months.

he did not even come down to see him for

his birthday. i had no problems with mike

but i cannot believe someone would ignore

there own child on there first birthday

and the sad thing ishis mom wants to spend

more time with jo than mike does. i love joaquin

and i guess i just dont understand how mike couldn't. but you turn around over here and see stephen, a guy who could very well just walk away, but instead puts up with me to take care of a child that is not even his. i will admit that we fight...a lot and we fight over the stupidest things

but just in case anyone didnt know...i always win, because i am always right. but that is not the point, the point is why did he feel such a connection to this baby?

oh boxes

all i can say is that when you are living in a space that does not have much room for you, you have to limit your stuff. now with someone like me that is not an easy thing to do, i mean it is not like i own a lot of things, but i guess that the things i own take up a lot of space. and the worst part of it isjo's birthday came around and i am not going to lie, he got some awesome gifts, it could not have gone much better than it did, but the point isfor some reason everyone wanted

to get him something that takes up space no i mean you saw the list, you know that there were some pretty large gifts in there, i could not be more happy that he got gifts that he will enjoy playing with, but where am i going to put them all????

aunt becky's

went to aunt becky's this morning to play outside we had such a good time but have to cut it

short because i have an appt that i can not cancel. but we hope to do it again tomorrow, not going to work because tomorrow and sat. i want to have a yard sale and get rid of some of the stuff that has been pileing up everywhere.