Thursday, February 25, 2010

was it worth it

nobody can make your mind up for you, you plan things the way you see fit to make your life how you want it to be. The smallest thing can change everything, When i was going down a path i did not like i took a chance and changed it, 1 thing, that is all it took and i know that if i just didnt do that then the past few years of my life would have been completely different, not only my life but everybodys around me, and that 1 thing i thought i had to do led to another thing i had to do and another and another..............
and here i am today, not regreting a moment of it, just unsure if it is how things were going to turn out or if it was me being greedy, did my selfishness ruin who i have become or has it made me stronger?do i have time to fix everything or do i wait and see where people stand?
am i traped?can i still be who i want to be?do i even know who that is anymore? how many more people do i have to hurt before i put other peoples needs before my own?
I dont want to go back to who i was, i may not be on the same page as everybody else right now, but it is not my job to make sure people stay on track, and it is not there job to keep me on mine. I dont want pity and i dont feel shame, all i ask is for you to not judge me for the choices i make, I am sorry you have problems, but we all do.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

im sorry

i want you to know that i understand that you thought there was a chance, you didnt do it for me and you didnt do it for yourself i understand. It was big of you to try, i wanted to try i swear i did i just didnt break the ice in time, and people keep telling me things and saying you gotta swear your not going to say it was me that told you, well then shut up k just shut up. if you are going to tell me stuff that is fine go for it but if you are going to tell me bad stuff about someone i am trying to find some level to connect on then dont tell me i cant say anything to them, cause you cant not give them a chance to tell there side of the story, its just not fair to them. just because you dont want anything to do with someone doesnt mean i have to stop trying and part of me is mad ..... at me because i was stupid enough to listen to you............i lost my chance and i dont know what to say except sorry i got in your way and thank you for getting in mine.

do you ever worry what people are going to think about you if you do something...... today i decided that its fun to play games and mess around but at some point you do accually have to grow up, i am not saying that i did that but i used to have to beat around the bush all the time and not accually express how i was feeling, and yes 9 times out of 10 i am still like that but the point is i want to be bigger. cant i try that.

I have a lot of strained relationships(if you can even call them that) AND i dont feel as if i have fully come to terms with how they turned out.
I have this fear of the term "I love you" i dont know where it comes from but for as long as i can remember my heart tugs whenever i say it. like it emotionally hurts me to say it. and it emotionally hurts others when i dont...... again its like i cant win.

People come and go and it will always be like that, but then there are people who come and go and come back again, I see myself as one of those people, i may not be around for ever but you can almost know that i will be back. I have a lot of bad feelings for people in my life but i dont wish anything bad for anyone. I wish that things were different with most everyone that i have ever had problems with, so many of them are great people under the surface and i saw my chances and trust me i had many of them and not once did i jump at them,

getting to know the true side of people...the one they hide until they get to know will tell you if that love you knew you would always feel....was just you lieing to your heart
it will tell you that the person you hated more than anything was the one you would end up with in rocking chairs in your 80's
that there is no difference between him leaving you when you were young or her leaving you just before you grew up,
that one person you can tell anything to......doesnt really exist
and never hold your breath..... its not coming

dont hate me, there is no reason to, we may have different opinions about things but your not going to change mine. people are who they choose to be.
so i thought i was begining to figure things out in this crazy world i am now living in.........thats right NOW living in.... things were different before, were they better....dont know yet but they were a whole lot different. up was up and down was down, there was no code i had to work my way through. now i just dont know what to think about a years ago i had some bad friends and though most of the people i lost all conections with for dare i say months..... things were really looking up for me..... i am back on good terms with most everybody that i have had problems with in the past.....but was it worth it???? i still dont know the answer to that question, i have not always been there for people when they needed me, but i am soooo close to not haveing one of the most important friendships that i have ever had... and its my pride, thats all it is. i am so exausted from trying to make people happy when is it my turn?

as reconection month nears its end i cant help but think is that the reason i am where i am? there are to many problems that need fixing and by trying to fix them all i did was make other things bigger. there are plenty of relationships i have that i would do most anything not to lose, but you can only push me so far before i am going to stand up for myself, and if i lose you in the process then that is 100% your choice.

the way i look at things may be different then the way you look at things but what can you do about it i mean really you see the way you act to me as you dont know me, you are going to pretend you want to get to know me for the sake of those that you are trying to impress but deep down you think i am conniving and vindictive, well you know what i feel the same way about you. so honestly do you think i am a fool, i understand where you are coming from i really do, you think i am trying to steal your thunder, well trust me you got nothing i need. i tried to make you like me the only way i knew how, i am shy at first but if you can get past that then we might accually have something some day. i am not the type of person you would normal spend time with..........

what i dont understand is how on earth you of all people could pretend that you are better than me, i may not be perfect on any level but nobody is and dont think for a second that you are better than me.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

my babies

jo got sick

i was having some trust issues in the past couple months with somebody because i let jo go over to there place for a few hours and he came back with a bad rash, but after serious thought and a lot of nagging from the other party i gave in and let him go over for the night, i know the rash thing was probably an accident, and if i was babysitting someone and they had a stinkless dirty diaper that was not making them squirmy..... i might not know they needed it changed right off and the small chance of them developing a rash would not be 100% my fault, and i would hate to get punished into never seeing them again because of it, so anyway i let him go over there for the night, i finally realized i need to not be my mom and try to not let myself get so untrusting with sooooo many people. he went over, as far as i knew things were going great, i went and got him the next evening and he had a bad cough, i tried to blow it off thinking it will probably be fine, but even after a couple hours it wasnt and he sounded much like a seal.... im not even kidding. i brought cole to his grandparents house while me and jo went to the emergency room, he had gotten croup, they said it is very common and it will go away in a few days, but it still hurt my heart that the very next time i let him go over there he gets sick, that was a couple days ago and he is still sick, but it doesnt sound croupy anymore as much as it just sounds like a cold to me, but they said it may turn into a cold before he gets better, just to give him tylenol to keep the fever down and be patient, it could take 5 or 6 days before he even starts to feel better.
i started to worry because he went to a birhtday party and the next day the kids at the party were sick, really sick im talking er sick, one of them had to spend the night in the hospital, it was bad, and now all i can do is cross my fingers that jo doesnt get what they have. and that cole just makes it through all of it without getting sick at all.

the car

i think it was june of last year that i got my first car, $200.oo its not a bad first car it was doing well for having a driver like me in it, and not to mention stephen rode it just as hard as i could. well since i got it it needed to be jumped once or twice a week atleast, depending on how hard we beat on it at the time, but until the begining of december i hadnt put more than $10 into repairs and for a car as old as it was and as damaged as it was that is accually saying something. but in december it did one of its usual breakdowns........ or so i thought this time it was worse, my tor had let me down, and it didnt come at a great time for me either, but i got rides to where i needed to be and sometimes rides to unneeded places as well, but enough was enough and it just isnt fair for everybody for me to expect them to be there for me, but they were, i had people help me, the car didnt get fixed right away, when it did start getting fixed it seemed like everytime it did another problem came up, but i had been driving around with manual steering since i got the thing and as long as the car was running i could tollerate the steering, i accually liked it a little, cause nobody really wanted to borrow it while it was like that, and honestly i dont care if you want to borrow it, i help when i can.
i was not the one who payed for the first set of repairs, and boy that really makes me sound cheap. i did pay for the next set of them, i had gone almost 2 months with driving other peoples cars or getting rides and i just wanted my baby back. i got it back and in no time at all there were more problems, i am not even kidding, i think it happened the first day i tried to drive it after getting it back. and i was not the one who payed to fix that problem either, wow i really am cheap, people like to help me, and i am not saying i dont enjoy the help i am just saying that i wish i was above needing it all the time.
well i have my car and needless to say i am not being any more careful with it, to many more repairs and its over, i dont think it will be worth it. after it was fixed and working this time i had it five days and went over 400 miles in that timeframe. i almost ran out of gas last night, and knowing this might happen i still went an extra 40 miles without putting a penny into it. i get over 30 miles to the gallon, with the amount of driving i do i gotta say that is a really good thing.

Monday, February 1, 2010

feb. 1 2010

i spent the night at my sissys, last night after a long day yesterday, at 10:30 last night i got there, it was great that she wanted me to come over because i did not have either of the boys and i would have gotten a little depressed if i was alone, it has been a long time since i didnt have any kids with me, we got there and we played beckys new playstation 3 until 1:30 we finally went to bed, i woke up at 8 and went home, i may or may not have taken a short nap when i got home(wink wink) at nine i went ice fishing......yeah right, as if what i did was ice fishing, but whatever, thats what they call it, ice and fish but no.
then at 1 donna came over and hung out for a little while.

feb. is reconection month

as everybody who is me knows feb. is reconection month, the time where any friendship or anything gets somehow strained in any way.... this month is when you get over yourself and fix it.
i started reconection month by fixing my friendship with donna, and so far so good, we talk and hung out, it was nice i hope everything stays on this path, and this is just the begining of it, not just destoryed relationships, even ones you just let slip away because you didntg have the time to keep them strong, i dont care if you were friends for a day or a lifetime, if you let it slip, now is the time to fix it, you have till the end of feb. and you have absolutely no excuses.