Thursday, February 25, 2010
and here i am today, not regreting a moment of it, just unsure if it is how things were going to turn out or if it was me being greedy, did my selfishness ruin who i have become or has it made me stronger?do i have time to fix everything or do i wait and see where people stand?
am i traped?can i still be who i want to be?do i even know who that is anymore? how many more people do i have to hurt before i put other peoples needs before my own?
I dont want to go back to who i was, i may not be on the same page as everybody else right now, but it is not my job to make sure people stay on track, and it is not there job to keep me on mine. I dont want pity and i dont feel shame, all i ask is for you to not judge me for the choices i make, I am sorry you have problems, but we all do.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
i want you to know that i understand that you thought there was a chance, you didnt do it for me and you didnt do it for yourself i understand. It was big of you to try, i wanted to try i swear i did i just didnt break the ice in time, and people keep telling me things and saying you gotta swear your not going to say it was me that told you, well then shut up k just shut up. if you are going to tell me stuff that is fine go for it but if you are going to tell me bad stuff about someone i am trying to find some level to connect on then dont tell me i cant say anything to them, cause you cant not give them a chance to tell there side of the story, its just not fair to them. just because you dont want anything to do with someone doesnt mean i have to stop trying and part of me is mad ..... at me because i was stupid enough to listen to you............i lost my chance and i dont know what to say except sorry i got in your way and thank you for getting in mine.
I have a lot of strained relationships(if you can even call them that) AND i dont feel as if i have fully come to terms with how they turned out.
I have this fear of the term "I love you" i dont know where it comes from but for as long as i can remember my heart tugs whenever i say it. like it emotionally hurts me to say it. and it emotionally hurts others when i dont...... again its like i cant win.
People come and go and it will always be like that, but then there are people who come and go and come back again, I see myself as one of those people, i may not be around for ever but you can almost know that i will be back. I have a lot of bad feelings for people in my life but i dont wish anything bad for anyone. I wish that things were different with most everyone that i have ever had problems with, so many of them are great people under the surface and i saw my chances and trust me i had many of them and not once did i jump at them,
getting to know the true side of people...the one they hide until they get to know you.....it will tell you if that love you knew you would always feel....was just you lieing to your heart
it will tell you that the person you hated more than anything was the one you would end up with in rocking chairs in your 80's
that there is no difference between him leaving you when you were young or her leaving you just before you grew up,
that one person you can tell anything to......doesnt really exist
and never hold your breath..... its not coming
dont hate me, there is no reason to, we may have different opinions about things but your not going to change mine. people are who they choose to be.
as reconection month nears its end i cant help but think is that the reason i am where i am? there are to many problems that need fixing and by trying to fix them all i did was make other things bigger. there are plenty of relationships i have that i would do most anything not to lose, but you can only push me so far before i am going to stand up for myself, and if i lose you in the process then that is 100% your choice.
the way i look at things may be different then the way you look at things but what can you do about it i mean really you see the way you act to me as you dont know me, you are going to pretend you want to get to know me for the sake of those that you are trying to impress but deep down you think i am conniving and vindictive, well you know what i feel the same way about you. so honestly do you think i am a fool, i understand where you are coming from i really do, you think i am trying to steal your thunder, well trust me you got nothing i need. i tried to make you like me the only way i knew how, i am shy at first but if you can get past that then we might accually have something some day. i am not the type of person you would normal spend time with..........
what i dont understand is how on earth you of all people could pretend that you are better than me, i may not be perfect on any level but nobody is and dont think for a second that you are better than me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
i started to worry because he went to a birhtday party and the next day the kids at the party were sick, really sick im talking er sick, one of them had to spend the night in the hospital, it was bad, and now all i can do is cross my fingers that jo doesnt get what they have. and that cole just makes it through all of it without getting sick at all.
i was not the one who payed for the first set of repairs, and boy that really makes me sound cheap. i did pay for the next set of them, i had gone almost 2 months with driving other peoples cars or getting rides and i just wanted my baby back. i got it back and in no time at all there were more problems, i am not even kidding, i think it happened the first day i tried to drive it after getting it back. and i was not the one who payed to fix that problem either, wow i really am cheap, people like to help me, and i am not saying i dont enjoy the help i am just saying that i wish i was above needing it all the time.
well i have my car and needless to say i am not being any more careful with it, to many more repairs and its over, i dont think it will be worth it. after it was fixed and working this time i had it five days and went over 400 miles in that timeframe. i almost ran out of gas last night, and knowing this might happen i still went an extra 40 miles without putting a penny into it. i get over 30 miles to the gallon, with the amount of driving i do i gotta say that is a really good thing.
Monday, February 1, 2010
then at 1 donna came over and hung out for a little while.
i started reconection month by fixing my friendship with donna, and so far so good, we talk and hung out, it was nice i hope everything stays on this path, and this is just the begining of it, not just destoryed relationships, even ones you just let slip away because you didntg have the time to keep them strong, i dont care if you were friends for a day or a lifetime, if you let it slip, now is the time to fix it, you have till the end of feb. and you have absolutely no excuses.